Log in

my heart is in my mouth [entries|friends|calendar]
in the shape of a girl

[ website | narcissistic tendencies ]
[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

....... [26 Nov 2010|01:27pm]
"I'm tired of fighting," she said
Your words just rattle my head
All joy escapes in the dark and I can't make this make sense
Your words are lost to me now
I cannot take it
I'm out
I'm stuck here kidding myself
You're out there caring somewhere

What's the verb to kick it off
To take the time and walk away from it
I'm not playing
That'll never sit with us well
We're far too pious to get out of it and we're on our way

"I'm tired of fighting," she said
Your words just rattle my head
All joy escapes in the dark and I can't make this make sense
Your words are lost to me now
I cannot take it
I'm out
I'm stuck here killing myself
You're out there drinking somewhere
break my heart//and then pretend to care

dear jane austen [09 Oct 2010|07:07pm]
feeling incredibly awful today.
everyday is either someones wedding or baby shower
or someone is announcing their engagement.
my boyfriend is mad at me right now
and iam fairly positive that no one in his right mind is ever going to want to spend forever with me.
iam bridget jones incarnate...only i dont have hugh grant and whoever played mr. darcy in the bbc version getting into street brawls over me
and i also dont have a cute british accent and get to use words like 'fag' and 'the loo'
can i just scrap my life now and live in one of your novels?
because really this is begining to get a touch pathetic.
best reguards,
break my heart//and then pretend to care

<3 [26 Aug 2009|10:40pm]
silly girl.
tonight is now officially dedicated to
drinking a glass of wine
taking a bath
and reading 'pride and prejudice'
tomorrow is going to be a great day.
i cant wait.
and then pretend to care

so officially [16 Mar 2009|02:15pm]
iam moving back to florida May 14th. im going to live with my family while i find a job and such. then i will be applying to nursing school. then when i have everything on track i will be finding my own apartment.
thats what i got so far.
and then pretend to care

grunge is dead [18 Feb 2009|02:34pm]
iam in *such* a horrendously bad mood right now so iam going to write about all the things in my life that make me happy.
1. Ryker and Sol
2. Ikea opened in Charlotte today
3. in less than a month iam driving to Charlotte to get a tattoo done by Tom and go to Ikea
4. i might be driving to florida this weekend since I have next week off
5. recently i have been able to cut my losses and realize that some of the friends i had before were really shitty towards me and iam now on my way to a healthier life with people that actually care about me.
6. my car. god bless having a car that works and is dependable. and that i can haul a whole shitload of stuff in.
7. my apartment.
8.oriental garden....the very best in chinese food
9. my new shoes
10. my jurrassic park sheets for my lite brite
11 the super healthy diet iam following
12 the fact that i feel more like myself now than i have this entire past year
and then pretend to care

[07 Jul 2008|04:02pm]
iam in love.
with my car.
it's a 1996 GMC Jimmy Truck
it runs. it's perfect.
life is perfect.
at this.
and then pretend to care

[21 May 2008|03:54pm]
today is one of those days when the waves of self defeate seem to be overtaking me and the more i try to struggle against it, the harder it becomes to stay affloat....and maybe a part of me wants to drown.
iam so tired of being stressed out.
my car has been breaking down *a lot* lately, to the point where i almost have anxiety attacks before getting into it because it stalls out at random times, leaving me in the middle of three way lanes, people honking and cursing at me, police men questioning me. and its been taking a good 5 mintues to start again and sometimes it doesnt and i have to have help pusing it to the nearest parking lot if im lucky enough to be by one. and then wait 20 minutes or so.

this morning, not only did it stall out but as i was swearving off the road because there was another car behind me, my car landed in a swamp. literally. i had to have a truck come pull me out. then i made it to work 45 minutes late, covered in mud, and half of my car covered in mud.

and now im going to loose my job, because i have to have a car to get here...even if you omit the fact that its unsafe to be taking care of a baby out in the middle of no where in bumfuck country land with no way to get out in case of an emergency.
so not only did i just move. have been broke for this last month and rent is due *again* on friday. i have no money. no car. and no job. and an apartment i just moved into on saturday.

and i still have to have the confrontation with the parents tonight.

i just dont see a light at the end of this tunnel. and it is taking all of my personal reserve to stay strong today
but what do you do when you no longer have a life plan? what do you do when you cant even afford to pay rent?
i need help.
and then pretend to care

this is it boys this is war [07 Apr 2008|12:18pm]
so ive decided to pull my head out of the sand and start doing something about my fucked up life.
step 1: stop drinking.

step 2: rent cheap house with aaron....at first i was just trying to find a nice place for us to live and now you know what i think? that i need to go to school and get a new car and after that i can find a nice place to live. so now we're checking out things that are, yes, a little ghetto, yes a bit out of town. but in the long run i think this is whats best.

step 3: get a second job

step 4: get new car and start paying off debt

step 5: attend durham tech and aquire preschool teacher credentials

step 6: apply to theraputic massage school and get as many pell grants/student loans as humanly possible

step 7:get a job as a preschool teacher during the day and go to school at night

step 8: become massage therapist. do that during the day. go to nursing school during the night.

step 9: become bad ass massage therapist/nurse

step 10: rest

this is my 10 step program to having a better life. im tired of complaining. im tired of using drugs and alcohol as an escape mechanism. im tired of feeling trapped.
and you know it sucks that i dont have anyone to help me. it sucks. but im over it now. i can do this
hell ive seen thora birch in homeless to harvard (im only half joking)
and if she can sleep on a bus at night and go to school during the day then i can do this

i think ive put off making a decision about what im going to be for so long now because i always thought that the career you chose for yourself defined who you were in some sort of way. i always envisioned myself being a famous actress/playwright, some doctor fighting AIDS out in Africa, a lawyer defending death row inmates
i always thought i would be something really great. that i would change the world in some huge way.
and so in the process of waiting for greatness, i woke up at the age of 24 to descover that i have become nothing.

and this is what i realize now. that just living life is the greatest thing you can do. " that the powerful play goes on and that you can contribute a verse"
and that anything that you contribute rawly, honestly, and with abandon to the world changes it and makes it better.

iam going to be what ever i can be, iam going to do my best, iam going to work to live. not live to work.

and whatever it is im going to do. im starting it now. no more waiting. fuck it all.
break my heart//and then pretend to care

[07 Jan 2008|01:54pm]
i have now officially run out of productive things to do. jack has actually slept a lot today....which is good because iam very jittery and unable to sit still for very long today, which is a hard thing to be when taking care of a 5 month old baby.
but starting tomorrow iam going to bring to work
my yoga dvd
that way at least i can work out when im bored like this
still very very stressed about my passport
*fingers crossed* ill get it in time
its just my fucking birth certificate
i just *had* to be born in ohio.....ohio is the *only* state that you can not expedite your birth certificate.... can not. so i have to wait 15 to 30 days to recieve it. and then pay $400 to get my passport expedited to me in 2 days.
yes. i can do this.

in other news
jacks parents got me 6 free passes to carrboro yoga center. so iam now starting to take power yoga classes every saturday at noon.

i miss my boyfriend. only bc hes responsible though. he got another plumming job on the weekends working with his band, re- doing the old jerzy mikes
break my heart//and then pretend to care

[14 Nov 2007|11:50am]
day done. night here. and by the sweat that leaves her brow the son of god appears. she clenches her eyes, the feel of her knuckles white from their lies. and back and forth and back and forth and back and forth she rocks saying to herself and saying to herself the prayers that she forgot. and as she bows her head to cry she sings herself a lullabye. bye and bye and bye and bye and bye and bye i go.....i have become i have become someone i dont know
break my heart//and then pretend to care

[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]