in the shape of a girl (pretty_in_paint) wrote,
in the shape of a girl
pretty_in_paint

this is it boys this is war

so ive decided to pull my head out of the sand and start doing something about my fucked up life.
step 1: stop drinking.

step 2: rent cheap house with aaron....at first i was just trying to find a nice place for us to live and now you know what i think? that i need to go to school and get a new car and after that i can find a nice place to live. so now we're checking out things that are, yes, a little ghetto, yes a bit out of town. but in the long run i think this is whats best.

step 3: get a second job

step 4: get new car and start paying off debt

step 5: attend durham tech and aquire preschool teacher credentials

step 6: apply to theraputic massage school and get as many pell grants/student loans as humanly possible

step 7:get a job as a preschool teacher during the day and go to school at night

step 8: become massage therapist. do that during the day. go to nursing school during the night.

step 9: become bad ass massage therapist/nurse

step 10: rest

this is my 10 step program to having a better life. im tired of complaining. im tired of using drugs and alcohol as an escape mechanism. im tired of feeling trapped.
and you know it sucks that i dont have anyone to help me. it sucks. but im over it now. i can do this
hell ive seen thora birch in homeless to harvard (im only half joking)
and if she can sleep on a bus at night and go to school during the day then i can do this

i think ive put off making a decision about what im going to be for so long now because i always thought that the career you chose for yourself defined who you were in some sort of way. i always envisioned myself being a famous actress/playwright, some doctor fighting AIDS out in Africa, a lawyer defending death row inmates
i always thought i would be something really great. that i would change the world in some huge way.
and so in the process of waiting for greatness, i woke up at the age of 24 to descover that i have become nothing.

and this is what i realize now. that just living life is the greatest thing you can do. " that the powerful play goes on and that you can contribute a verse"
and that anything that you contribute rawly, honestly, and with abandon to the world changes it and makes it better.

iam going to be what ever i can be, iam going to do my best, iam going to work to live. not live to work.

and whatever it is im going to do. im starting it now. no more waiting. fuck it all.
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